Roll out

 I was able to leave my body for the second time, and this time was from my own effort and not it just happening to me! I was sleeping over at my sister's and she has a cat that snores. We went to bed super early, and the cat woke me up after an hour or so. I pet her cat to wake it up a bit so I could hopefully fall back asleep. Soon after I fell asleep, the cat's snores woke me up again. Only this time upon waking, I didn't move, and my intuition told me to try to leave my body. I was lying on my side, so I tried shifting my energy body through my head in that type of motion/direction. After a few tries (and I can't even describe well what that effort felt like or was, because it just felt so natural), I was out and fell to the floor. I immediately did one of the tactics to stabilize the experience, which was rubbing my hands together. I turns to see the bed I was just in, and saw the vague shapes there, but I knew not to look too long or I might get pulled back into my body. 

It was dark in my sister's apartment, so I stumbled around and looked for lights to turn on. Her place was slightly different in this version of reality. I remembered we had bought fudge in the city that day, and it was in her fridge. I wanted to eat it (another stabilizing tactic) so I opened it up, and it was peanut butter flavored. The "real" fudge was caramel dark chocolate. I realized my vision wasn't the best and it almost seemed like something was covering part of my face. After that I looked at my hands and I had the normal amount of fingers (so astral projection?). Right after though, it's like my sister appeared in the living room and she was talking loud and being a distraction (seemed more lucid dreamy then to me). To avoid getting distracted, I asked to go to a beach, as per usual. I closed my eyes and opened them and there was water in my sister's living room and she was still there talking. The water was shallow and hard to describe, but I was able to start splashing the water with my hands. I asked if I could meet my spirit guides. The only thing that appeared was a tiny, clear hermit crab in the water. I scooped it up in my hands. I wonder what that means. Very soon after, I felt my consciousness was shifting back, and there I was, lying in bed.

I'm so thankful this finally happened to me in this way. I felt slightly unprepared, but I won't be in the future. What I would do differently... I would try to exit the apartment through a window and fly up to the sky. I think that would've gotten me out of whatever limbo space that was, and I would've gone to a higher astral realm.

Themes

 I'm trying an experiment where I take a mushroom supplement that helps with sleep and dreaming to see if it makes my dreams more vivid. I'm doing this for the whole month, and so far, I've had a dream I remember every single night. In August, I'll stop taking it and see if I notice any differences.

I've only had one lucid dream in July, but I'm enjoying my dream life so much. Once you start dream journaling, it's funny how many common themes there are.

Indirect

 I haven't made too much progress with astral projection or having another lucid dream. I learned about indirect methods and figured I should give that a go. So you set an alarm to wake up during REM sleep which is about 5-6 hours after you go to bed, then you get up for a moment or two so you don't immediately fall back asleep. You set the intention to leave your body when you wake up naturally next. The issue I keep facing is that "waking up" isn't a very defined action usually. One minute I'm sleeping, the next minute I'm reacting to my cat coming over for cuddles or something. The transition from sleeping to waking doesn't include me realizing I'm going through that process. So I need to just practice becoming more aware. I found an alarm app that will wake me up and the alarm shuts off automatically, so I hope to practice with that.

I set that alarm for this morning at 8 am, because I fell asleep at 2 am. I forgot that my cat would definitely wake me up at 6 for food though and she did. I got up to feed her and turned the alarm off, because I figured I'd just start the process now. I got back into bed and figured the natural waking for astral projecting was unlikely, so I more intentionally started to meditate and try to do mind awake body asleep. I slipped into sleep though and started having a regular, albeit vivid dream. At some point my cat was hyper and my boyfriend who was awake asked me if everything was okay, because he heard her running around. I was pulled into a state of awareness but I was so tired I couldn't even respond. I allowed myself to sink back into sleep, but man did I sink! It felt like suddenly my whole body was being pulled through my mattress toward the floor. I ended up in a portal tunnel and got so excited because I knew something was happening. It felt like my whole body moved and not just my spirit body, so I wasn't sure if I was astral projecting or lucid dreaming. A lot happened so I don't remember the exact sequence of events but I ended up in my room and remembered I should check my hands. I had a hilarious amount of fingers. I laughed and said, "okay this is a lucid dream". It lasted quite a while and I felt like I didn't have full control of everything I wanted to do, but that's okay. I'm so happy it happened again! The second of many in my life I hope.

North

 I'm making progress, but not fully successful yet. I'm trying various tips and tricks I've read about, such as the position you lay, and I did notice a difference when I pointed north. I had a much stronger sensation of movement, either spinning, floating, falling, or moving in one direction. I'm still not able to separate though. When I try to shift my consciousness, the feeling gets stronger, but I never fully leave my body. 

I have one week left of my undergrad degree and then I'll have the summer off before grad school. It'll be nice to focus more on my practice during my time off.

Gateway

 I haven't had any new lucid dreams despite trying. I also haven't had any breakthroughs with astral projection, but I haven't been as focused lately since I've been so busy. I'm going to move onto Wave 2 of the gateway tapes and I'm sure I'll progress. I need patience and focus and it will happen.

Blocks

 I'm on the 5th Gateway Experience tape and I'm making a lot of progress. I think I know one of my current hurdles and that's forgetting my body enough to shift my consciousness fully. Part of that is because I find it impossible to get fully comfortable. When my body starts to fall asleep, my limbs and head feel like they're concrete and it's hard to fight through that feeling and ignore it. It's possible eventually with my limbs, but my head and neck are obnoxious. Over the past few years, I've had a hard time finding a good pillow, and now more than ever that's painfully obvious. The other part of the issue is my cat, Squishy. When I lay down, she wants to be near me. That means when I start to get into the right body conditions, she falls asleep and moves a ton, knocking me back into my present awareness. I've seen the advice to make sure pets aren't in the room with you, but this is already a dedicated practice for me that I spend at least an hour doing daily, and I don't want to push my cat away. I'd rather push through and get to the level of focus I need in order to shift my consciousness with her there so we can be together. 

Last night I got very close. I was spinning in the void and forgot my body completely. Then of course Squishy launched into hypnic jerks. 

I want to note that the commands to leave my body aren't working yet. Nor is visualizing myself elsewhere. I think the least successful is the rollout method for me. I remain baffled on that one. I do think I'm able to float up but it doesn't seem to actually get me out entirely. What has worked best so far to shift my consciousness is imagining myself doing something mundane. I read someone say they imagined peeling an orange and separating each segment and that works really well. I feel something happen as I imagine that action. Curious about what ended up working for others.

Experiences.

Here is a summary of my experiences to date. It all started when I was doing meditations to get in touch with my intuition. I started to have the feeling that I could see through my closed eyes. After more practice, I began seeing deep indigo colors which is supposedly associated with the third eye. On top of that, I felt immense pressure between my eyes. That immediately prompted me to want to delve deeper and see what my mind was capable of. That led me to the concept of astral projection. I tried a few videos that I found online and I had an experience at first where it felt like I was ascending still in my body but rising up into what appeared to be a maroon and gold patterned area that resembled a honeycomb. I can't explain what I perceived but it was so intense that my heart started pounding and the vision left me because I got too scared. Since then I've been practicing for months, and I started right before Christmas. I'm now able to get that feeling of ascending and or spinning and floating away but I'm not able to fully leave my body and I'm not able to see. I believe what I need to do is shift my consciousness into my astral body but I'm having trouble doing that. This journal in particular is going to help me remember what it takes to get to that point so I can help others in the future.

As a byproduct of trying to astral project, I ended up lucid dreaming for the first time. Well technically it happened two times but I only have full control the second time. The first time I gained consciousness in a dream it was because I was finding crumpled up money on the ground as I walked which is a common theme in my dreams. I realized this as I was dreaming, and dream me got excited and tried to talk to dream version of my boyfriend who didn't seem as excited about it. As I tried to explain it to him I lost control of the consciousness and the dream continued on as normal. The next time I gained consciousness in a dream was a few weeks later. I had a dream that I was in Atlanta driving around and I needed to find a hospital for some reason. I got to the hospital and I saw my friend Liz and the minute I saw her I realized I was dreaming because there would be no reason for her to be there. I got so excited in the dream that I grabbed Liz and I shook her and I told her I'm dreaming and I could control it. Realizing my mistake from last time I didn't want the control to slip away from me so I knew I needed to do something fast. I turned around and said I'm going to fly up those stairs and I realized I didn't know how that would manifest. Would I flap my arms or would I float? Turns out I leaned forward a little bit and kind of hovered up the stairs. It didn't feel as cool as I thought it would and I realized I needed to do something much more exciting. I commanded take me to a beach and all of a sudden I was in the water. When I tell you this felt so real I don't think it's possible to differentiate it from reality. In the dream, I even said I can't believe this is happening this is actually real. The water was only up to my knees and it was teeming with sea creatures. I looked down and saw a giant blue tropical fish right by my feet and knowing I couldn't hurt anything here I picked it up and I looked at it. I put it back down in the water and then walked up to a stingray that was laying on his back with his feet kicking up and I tickled its belly. I realized I didn't want to keep feeling like I was hurting anything so I commanded I want clear water and white sand. I closed my eyes and opened them and the water was clear as glass and the sand was so white. I felt the warmth of the sun on my body and the cool water on my legs. In this new version of the beach, my family was there as well and I talked to them asking what I should do next because I wasn't expecting this and I didn't know where to go. As I talked out ideas with them I lost control and it turned into a regular dream. I haven't been able to lucid dream since. But I've been trying to state my desire to have a lucid dream every night before I go to bed. I repeat the mantra: I will gain consciousness in my dream and I will be able to control it.

Lastly, I've been catching angel numbers all day. 3:33, 11:11, so on. 

Sorry, this is an absolute word salad dump. I wrote it with voice-to-text and just wanted to get it all out.

New beginning

 I want to document my spiritual awakening and the new journey I'm embarking on. I took a class on the psychology of meditation and started to meditate for the first time in my life. I don't remember the exact catalyst that got me interested in the metaphysical, but a few things started aligning in my life that made it clear to me that I needed to go down that path. I started getting deeper into astrology. My meditations started focusing on getting in touch with my intuition. During one meditation session, I had a profound experience that then launched me into wanting to explore more possibilities with my consciousness. That led me to astral projecting and lucid dreaming. I'm going to use this blog to document my journey and my growth. I had always felt that I was barely tethered to reality and that my consciousness was elsewhere, but in this process, I'm discovering that I'm more grounded than I had thought. It seems that for others being able to astral project, lucid dream, and be in touch with their intuition came much more naturally to them. If I ever had the ability to do any of these in the past I was too afraid and I became closed off to the possibility. Now that I'm older, these things are not coming naturally to me. Everything I've learned about the mindset and the perception needed is what I feel like I've been living with my entire life, but there must be some aspect I'm missing. That is what this journey is about. I've been humbled about my capabilities and I'm ready to put in the work to get to where I want to be. The next post will be a summary of my experiences to date.

3/27/17

After work I'm going to soak in the bath with a nice glittery bath bomb, deep conditioner my hair, and watch tv with a glass of sparkling wine. I'm insanely broke right now, but it doesn't even matter. I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster and when it's good, it's really good.

1/9/17

My uncle passed away in his sleep yesterday. He was 51 and a huge influence in my life. I'm thankful that because of a few birthdays and the holidays, I got to see him a lot the past few months. How lucky am I that I get to wake up another day and enjoy the time I have here. Right before I heard the news, I was having lunch with a very old friend who helped me see something in my life with a totally new perspective. I'm glad I opened up to her, and she's reached out already more than once to let me know she's here for me. My mom is hurting really bad over this death, and I think I have to make myself vulnerable and let her back into my life right now. My year is off to a rocky start, but overall I feel very hopeful and positive.

1/5/17

Jessica. Jessica. Giiiirl, get a goddamn grip on yourself. This is not cool. This is not okay. Starting today you're going back to your own little world. I feel like hibernating for this entire month and maybe the next month, and then I'll be back on track.

Your nightclub darling.

A soft "ping" interrupts the restless dream I was about to succumb to. I see my phone at the end of my bed, a green light is blinking. A green light, far away. "Like Gatsby", I think. A symbol of hope, but ultimately, sadness. Oh, it's you. It's you. It's you!

I feel the pang. That one you get when someone says, "we need to talk". "This is all so old and cliché," I decide, as I imagine the bodies piled up in war. Those walled up in towers, burned at the stake, stoned, tortured, car accidents, murder. And who am I to suffer over you? You are not an implement of pain, except to me.

I feel the tears run down the side of my face. I think about what to say, but instead I wish you could see. Let my tears be the ink and they will write unspoken poetry as they trail down your neck.

I want to die of a broken heart, please forgive me. I want to take the path I know leads to a void where I will be left empty and alone, but all the while I travel through the velveteen darkness suffocating me... and the parties, and the shoes with the buckles that make it so I can lean into you just the right way, and the three drinks too many, and the couch with stories to tell, and the fact that I would do it over and over again just to write these poems on bar napkins for you, and I'm so tired but I am teeming with life.

7-6-16

I know very well you're bringing me down
I will follow, I will follow
For a little piece of heaven
I am ready, I am willing to drown

I've been waiting on your love
Baby, for too long now, too long now
I thought that I could change you like the others
But I don't know how, don't know how
It's gonna backfire
It's gonna backfire, baby
Gonna backfire, gonna backfire, baby
We've done it a million times before
Yes, I'm up for it a million more

6/21/16

:)

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

So I love my new officemate, however like almost everyone in my town, she's super religious. Within the first few days of meeting her, she said that every morning she wakes up to read her bible for an hour. I think I grimaced involuntarily after she said that, and had to quickly form an expression that didn't suggest I think she's batshit insane. Her desk has become polluted with creepy religious stuff, like this rolodex of bible quotes, art, and Jesus quotes written on post-its stuck all around her kleenex box. Maybe blowing your nose is a sin. If I was a total asshole, I'd hang up my own art to balance things out in there. Ying and yang, freedom of religion and all that. I'd hang some nice artwork:

So she invited me over to watch a movie ages ago, and I kept making excuses. Finally decided to get it over with, since I didn't have anything going on Friday night. We grabbed dinner and headed over to her place, and sat down at the table. There I was, a sitting duck. A fly caught in a web. The Christian pamphlet was pulled from her purse. "So, how much do you know about Christianity?" It had begun... I've never actually been in that situation before. Usually I avoid religion talks like the plague. I had to be good,and vague. I have to work with this person. We have to get along. She said she liked talking to people with opposing views, but little did she know just who she was talking to. I'm not just non-religious or agnostic. I'm severely atheist to the point that religion disgusts me. She said that occasionally her beliefs are put to the test, but the overwhelming evidence that god is real justifies everything. 

Then she asked me if I think I've ever sinned, and I had to stifle laughter. Like, hell yeah. I sin like it's an Olympic sport. Never been so damn proud of anything in my life! I deserve a medal for making it out of there without being a total sarcastic asshole. I don't even like arguing with religious people. I just want them to fear me. I want them to think I'm the embodiment of evil just wandering around. It's way more fun that way.

I followed some atheist stuff on Twitter a while ago, and people with really religious sounding usernames started following me. I was wondering if they'd start harassing me, but nothing... silence. Then I realized, maybe they wanted to see how am I, what may have went "wrong" with me. I'm just a case-study. The funniest thing is that I'm boring as hell. Not sure if they expected me to be dishing out secret cult agendas or something, but my tweets are always like, "I like eggs benedict!".
I them imagine one of them sees that, perks up, grabs a pad of paper and writes:

I'm a horrible person.

So I was reflecting on past relationships and how much I'm enjoying being single, when I started thinking about the topic of dealing with the families of exes. When you date, you have to be cordial to these people, which can be challenging. I want to write out some funny stories about my first ex's mother, who was rich but yet the cheapest person I've ever met. Now my family is super poor, but my mom had a ton of class and dignity. When guests came over, we used the finest dining set, etc. I absolutely do not require any sort of lavish lifestyle, but I do have some damn standards.... like, not using disgusting things for one. I remember the first time my ex's mom served me breakfast and I sat down at the table. She puts down in front of me pancakes on a warped plastic plate that looks like it was carved into by a sadistic killer. You know what I love? 20 year old gouged plastic plates filled with BACTERIA FOR BREAKFAST THANK YOU ROBIN. As if I wasn't overcome with enough joy, she offered me a glass of milk, which idiot me, I said sure. She gave me an aluminum cup with some sort of coating on it that was peeling off, and there was a flake of it floating in the milk. She mistook my glare of horror as interest somehow and said, "aren't they neat?! I found them at a garage sale! They were super popular when I was a kid". Cool. I need a tetanus booster after this "meal".

When my ex and I moved into our apartment, I tried my hardest to supply everything we needed from my family, but the ever insistent crass other side decided they needed to contribute as well. What did we get? A tv stand from a friend of one of their friends who was throwing it out, or something like that. It was gaudy and I hated it, but I just had to laugh at the fact that these rich fuckers had to ask around to get us this heavy as fuck 70's wood and tile monstrosity when I would prefer it to be a simple $10 table at ikea that's new and nice. That's not the best part. Robin got us a bag of silverware from a garage sale. It was so old and dirty that the once transparent ziplock baggie that housed them was now opaque, and I had to muster up extreme amounts of civility not to bash her head in with the bag. Are you fucking kidding me?! Kmart has silverware for like $5. You'd rather us use someone's disgusting garbage? Do you know what's on that silverware? Shit. Human shit. Don't ask me why or how. Do the forensics. Every. single. crevice. Shit. The minute they left I threw it out. How insulting, I'm not a savage.

So I knew better than to ask those people for anything. The ex and I went rug shopping at some point, and couldn't find one. To my horror, I came home from work one day and my ex's family was all there with a rug laying on the floor. I stared at the rug like it was a corpse. I poured over every detail. It looked... new. I.... was a god damn fool. Skeptically, I started asking questions about the origin of this fuzzy, cream-colored point of contention. The vague answers lulled me into disarmament, and I thought naively, perhaps this rug is okay. As they were leaving, I thanked them again for the gift. Robin looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Oh don't even worry, we found it in a dumpster! There was some cat barf on it, but it came right out." My pupils dilated as I ascended into an anger-induced coma. Well, there are 2 possible scenarios here. #1, this rug was a prop from some twisted porno. #2, it's evidence in a crime. Then I thought to myself, maybe I will make it evidence, considering they're going to find the bodies of my ex and his mother rolled up in it out in a field if this square of knit vileness isn't extricated from my home immediately.

I had to start watching what I wished for in the fear that it would be repeated, and like some sort of twisted chinese-telephone, granted in the most woeful, debased form. After our vacuum started to act up, I felt the words, "we need a new one soon" escape my lips. In a moment of sheer terror, I locked eyes with my ex and gave him a look that conveyed he better not even dare. I thought in my most sinister, angry voice.... if your mother even comes within 500 feet of my apartment with some used, disgusting old vacuum filled with other people's boogers and hair, I WILL STRANGLE YOU BOTH WITH THE CORD.

So, this is why I'm single and a horrible person! ♥

3-28-16

This absolutely will not help my sudden insomnia.

starman.

I haven't been able to really check tumblr, because nothing will load. It's either my internet, computer, or both. Luckily, I'm solving both issues. Hopefully by the end of the week I can bother with internet life again.

It took me a very long time to be able to listen to David Bowie after his death. I had a long conversation with my mom about it today, and it was cathartic.

"There's a starman waiting in the sky
He'd like to come and meet us
But he thinks he'd blow our minds
There's a starman waiting in the sky
He's told us not to blow it
'Cause he knows it's all worthwhile"

3-1-16

Dearest porcelain tub, blue water, bath salts of chamomile and milk: I must leave him. He's moving to California, but my heart is here. There's too much sunshine and smog, though the license plate would look nice on my car. I'm in the dark with a lone candle flickering the outline of my cat perched on the sink. I think she's my guardian sent here from a place of pure love. I love listening to sad music because it pierces me in the chest and every inhale is like honey in my lungs. I'm going to try to speak to people telepathically. I want to sing through my eyes because my voice is too weak.

soup.

When I was a teenager I had a tumultuous relationship with my mother. I decided to live with my dad in an apartment, and when he wasn't home she would sometimes swing by. Some days it was to harass me and others it was just to visit. One time when we were on good terms, she stopped by and said she had some soup for me. She handed me a little generic clear packet with cardboard stapled on top. Inside were thin, short noodles, and a yellow seasoning powder. "I know it looks generic" she said, "but sometimes those are the best ones". When she left I stared at the packet. The directions on the back of the cardboard were minimal and the design on the front was modest. My heart began to hurt. I couldn't bear the burden of all that the little packet suddenly represented. The soup needed to be good, otherwise it was too emotionally painful. For one, I imagined the struggle of a tiny, family-owned company trying to market their little product on the shelves with the big name competitors. I am a sucker for handmade things, homely designs, cutely-named businesses. To me they are infallible by default, because I just can't accept that they would be corrupt. Second, because my mom saw the good in something unassuming, and I wanted to confirm her intuition. I cooked the soup the next day, and as I had unfortunately theorized, it was neither bad nor good. It was just bland. Looking back at it now, it was likely because it lacked all the addictive "bad" ingredients found in most commercial brands, like MSG and lots of sodium. I don't remember if I never mentioned it to her, or I lied and said it was good.

Years went by, and my relationship was still rocky with my mother. We had very wonderful times, and very bad times. Every once in a while I thought about the little clear soup packet and what she said, and my heart would ache. "Sometimes those are the best ones". The packet started to represent a lot of things to me. It was the way that my mother helped me stop and see the beauty in things that would be overlooked. It meant not to take things for granted, and to always give things a try. It meant to be unconventional. To not be afraid of what other people think. As my mother's mental health declines, these little memories haunt me in the best way. It's a page of warmth in a heartbreaking novel that I can always reflect on when the bad days seem overwhelming. They say that chicken noodle soup will heal you, and the memory of that little packet does. I will always have that in my heart, no matter what.

The soup was very good, mom. Thank you.