Experiences.

Here is a summary of my experiences to date. It all started when I was doing meditations to get in touch with my intuition. I started to have the feeling that I could see through my closed eyes. After more practice, I began seeing deep indigo colors which is supposedly associated with the third eye. On top of that, I felt immense pressure between my eyes. That immediately prompted me to want to delve deeper and see what my mind was capable of. That led me to the concept of astral projection. I tried a few videos that I found online and I had an experience at first where it felt like I was ascending still in my body but rising up into what appeared to be a maroon and gold patterned area that resembled a honeycomb. I can't explain what I perceived but it was so intense that my heart started pounding and the vision left me because I got too scared. Since then I've been practicing for months, and I started right before Christmas. I'm now able to get that feeling of ascending and or spinning and floating away but I'm not able to fully leave my body and I'm not able to see. I believe what I need to do is shift my consciousness into my astral body but I'm having trouble doing that. This journal in particular is going to help me remember what it takes to get to that point so I can help others in the future.

As a byproduct of trying to astral project, I ended up lucid dreaming for the first time. Well technically it happened two times but I only have full control the second time. The first time I gained consciousness in a dream it was because I was finding crumpled up money on the ground as I walked which is a common theme in my dreams. I realized this as I was dreaming, and dream me got excited and tried to talk to dream version of my boyfriend who didn't seem as excited about it. As I tried to explain it to him I lost control of the consciousness and the dream continued on as normal. The next time I gained consciousness in a dream was a few weeks later. I had a dream that I was in Atlanta driving around and I needed to find a hospital for some reason. I got to the hospital and I saw my friend Liz and the minute I saw her I realized I was dreaming because there would be no reason for her to be there. I got so excited in the dream that I grabbed Liz and I shook her and I told her I'm dreaming and I could control it. Realizing my mistake from last time I didn't want the control to slip away from me so I knew I needed to do something fast. I turned around and said I'm going to fly up those stairs and I realized I didn't know how that would manifest. Would I flap my arms or would I float? Turns out I leaned forward a little bit and kind of hovered up the stairs. It didn't feel as cool as I thought it would and I realized I needed to do something much more exciting. I commanded take me to a beach and all of a sudden I was in the water. When I tell you this felt so real I don't think it's possible to differentiate it from reality. In the dream, I even said I can't believe this is happening this is actually real. The water was only up to my knees and it was teeming with sea creatures. I looked down and saw a giant blue tropical fish right by my feet and knowing I couldn't hurt anything here I picked it up and I looked at it. I put it back down in the water and then walked up to a stingray that was laying on his back with his feet kicking up and I tickled its belly. I realized I didn't want to keep feeling like I was hurting anything so I commanded I want clear water and white sand. I closed my eyes and opened them and the water was clear as glass and the sand was so white. I felt the warmth of the sun on my body and the cool water on my legs. In this new version of the beach, my family was there as well and I talked to them asking what I should do next because I wasn't expecting this and I didn't know where to go. As I talked out ideas with them I lost control and it turned into a regular dream. I haven't been able to lucid dream since. But I've been trying to state my desire to have a lucid dream every night before I go to bed. I repeat the mantra: I will gain consciousness in my dream and I will be able to control it.

Lastly, I've been catching angel numbers all day. 3:33, 11:11, so on. 

Sorry, this is an absolute word salad dump. I wrote it with voice-to-text and just wanted to get it all out.

New beginning

 I want to document my spiritual awakening and the new journey I'm embarking on. I took a class on the psychology of meditation and started to meditate for the first time in my life. I don't remember the exact catalyst that got me interested in the metaphysical, but a few things started aligning in my life that made it clear to me that I needed to go down that path. I started getting deeper into astrology. My meditations started focusing on getting in touch with my intuition. During one meditation session, I had a profound experience that then launched me into wanting to explore more possibilities with my consciousness. That led me to astral projecting and lucid dreaming. I'm going to use this blog to document my journey and my growth. I had always felt that I was barely tethered to reality and that my consciousness was elsewhere, but in this process, I'm discovering that I'm more grounded than I had thought. It seems that for others being able to astral project, lucid dream, and be in touch with their intuition came much more naturally to them. If I ever had the ability to do any of these in the past I was too afraid and I became closed off to the possibility. Now that I'm older, these things are not coming naturally to me. Everything I've learned about the mindset and the perception needed is what I feel like I've been living with my entire life, but there must be some aspect I'm missing. That is what this journey is about. I've been humbled about my capabilities and I'm ready to put in the work to get to where I want to be. The next post will be a summary of my experiences to date.

3/27/17

After work I'm going to soak in the bath with a nice glittery bath bomb, deep conditioner my hair, and watch tv with a glass of sparkling wine. I'm insanely broke right now, but it doesn't even matter. I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster and when it's good, it's really good.

1/9/17

My uncle passed away in his sleep yesterday. He was 51 and a huge influence in my life. I'm thankful that because of a few birthdays and the holidays, I got to see him a lot the past few months. How lucky am I that I get to wake up another day and enjoy the time I have here. Right before I heard the news, I was having lunch with a very old friend who helped me see something in my life with a totally new perspective. I'm glad I opened up to her, and she's reached out already more than once to let me know she's here for me. My mom is hurting really bad over this death, and I think I have to make myself vulnerable and let her back into my life right now. My year is off to a rocky start, but overall I feel very hopeful and positive.

1/5/17

Jessica. Jessica. Giiiirl, get a goddamn grip on yourself. This is not cool. This is not okay. Starting today you're going back to your own little world. I feel like hibernating for this entire month and maybe the next month, and then I'll be back on track.

Your nightclub darling.

A soft "ping" interrupts the restless dream I was about to succumb to. I see my phone at the end of my bed, a green light is blinking. A green light, far away. "Like Gatsby", I think. A symbol of hope, but ultimately, sadness. Oh, it's you. It's you. It's you!

I feel the pang. That one you get when someone says, "we need to talk". "This is all so old and cliché," I decide, as I imagine the bodies piled up in war. Those walled up in towers, burned at the stake, stoned, tortured, car accidents, murder. And who am I to suffer over you? You are not an implement of pain, except to me.

I feel the tears run down the side of my face. I think about what to say, but instead I wish you could see. Let my tears be the ink and they will write unspoken poetry as they trail down your neck.

I want to die of a broken heart, please forgive me. I want to take the path I know leads to a void where I will be left empty and alone, but all the while I travel through the velveteen darkness suffocating me... and the parties, and the shoes with the buckles that make it so I can lean into you just the right way, and the three drinks too many, and the couch with stories to tell, and the fact that I would do it over and over again just to write these poems on bar napkins for you, and I'm so tired but I am teeming with life.

7-6-16

I know very well you're bringing me down
I will follow, I will follow
For a little piece of heaven
I am ready, I am willing to drown

I've been waiting on your love
Baby, for too long now, too long now
I thought that I could change you like the others
But I don't know how, don't know how
It's gonna backfire
It's gonna backfire, baby
Gonna backfire, gonna backfire, baby
We've done it a million times before
Yes, I'm up for it a million more