october.

Dear October,

You've ushered in a much needed renewal in me. I've been in such a good mood lately, and hopefully again for a long time. October is easily my favorite month, because I love so many things that happen now. I love the scents, the colors, the feelings, the everything. I'm still in quite a lot of pain from my wisdom teeth, but I have an appointment again on Saturday. I think I have an infection. I'm also still numb, and I bite into my lip frequently when I eat. The inside of my lip is pretty damaged and bloody. Do you know, oddly enough, I don't mind? I don't think about it much, if even at all, these past few weeks. There are so many worse things that could happen to me in life, and the prognosis of healing to almost 100% is very positive, so I'm assuming it'll happen eventually. I'll just have to have patience. I've been allowing myself to not worry about what I eat in the wake of my surgery, and I've put on a few pounds. The good news is, I've finally ordered a stationary bike! It should get here sometime next week, and I'm excited.

I finally had some money for clothes, and I think I have a good start. I just ordered this stuff today:

I need a lot more shirts, and a new pair of medium wash jeans eventually. I'm not a massive Harry Potter nerd, but that top is seriously adorable. Just look at it!

riot fest.

This weekend was riot fest, which is definitely not "Jessica music", but I figured I'd be open-minded and have a good time. Friday was absolutely freezing cold. It was way colder than any of us expected, because the wind was brutal. There were no bands I had even the slightest amount of interest in playing, so Friday was all around no good. Saturday had absolutely perfect weather, and pretty much saved the weekend for me. I got some sun, and everyone had an enjoyable day. Sunday was going to be the only day where some bands of interest for me were playing, so of course that is the day it's 50 degrees and pouring rain. We ended up not going, which works because we all would've been miserable. I still have 9 free drink tickets that went to waste, and I didn't get to see Peter Hook do his Joy Division set or the Pixies, but I did get to sleep in and be warm.

All of my online classes start on Monday, and I have a Russian test that I'm freaking out about on Tuesday. I already feel in over my head, but I have to remember to pace myself, and utilize my free time better. Ever since school started and the reality has sunk in, I started questioning what I really wanted to do. I've had dental hygiene in mind for so long, but I don't think it's the best option for me in the long run. I honestly think I'm going to eventually apply to a nursing program. I feel like there would be opportunities to advance as a nurse, where there isn't with dental hygiene. The biggest problem for me is that I love change, and I could never see myself doing the same thing the rest of my life.

My wisdom teeth surgery is coming up next weekend, so hopefully I don't let myself freak out about it. I can't wait to get this over with, because it's the last thing hanging over my head right now, and I feel like I'll finally be able to relax. My loan money should be coming around midterm time, whenever that is, and I'll be able to pay for the surgery and replace some of what's missing from my savings. This was a pretty boring post, but I love typing out my feeling and plans.

michigan.

I'm too OCD and not "fun" enough to deal with a cabin full of belligerently drunk partiers I've discovered, because I spent my weekend coping with it by planning how I would kill each one of them in the cabin. That's probably not healthy, but it made me feel better. Not everyone there was horrible, and my boyfriend was of course the redeeming factor of this weekend.

I have a thing about food and drinks, and when you combine those things with drunk people, it's pretty much a nightmare for me. I remember breakfast the first morning, I was sitting in the kitchen monitoring food preparation like a hawk. "aaaaaaand she just slid her unwashed hands down the length of the loaf of bread while cutting it. Now someone else who hasn't washed their hands is dipping the bread into the egg batter. Oh god, they're getting their hands really deep in the bowl for no reason. Welp, the french toast is now dead to me." My eyes bolt to the other side of the kitchen. "She's ripping up kraft american cheese slices with her hands and throwing them into this giant bowl of scrambled eggs. Dead to me. Slightly gagging." I ended up eating bacon, because it was safe. I won't even get into the drink concoctions they made and all drank out of, which included passes to the guy that forgot to bring a toothbrush for the entire weekend.

Speaking of that guy and my food problem, that guy is the biggest waste of oxygen on the planet as far as I'm concerned. After an entire day of not washing his hands on Saturday, this vile piece of shit walks into the kitchen, apparently grabs a piece of grilled chicken with his hands, and walks outside to the table we were sitting. He's a 30ish year old man who thinks it's entertaining to shove the entire piece in his mouth and purposely try to spew it out while mumbling. I, personally, was hoping he was going to choke and die. I reacted to this display of idiocy too slowly and a piece of chicken landed on my leg. I pushed my chair waaaaaaay far away from this living piece of garbage as fast as I could, and tried not to gag at how disgusting what just happened was. I stared at this man with beams of utter hatred and thought, "Welp, that settles it. I have to kill him." I stared at him in silence with a death glare for so long I was surprised no one asked me why I was so quiet. "Oh I'm fine, I'm just thinking about fluffy kitties and how relaxing Michigan is". Cue a big fake smile, wait until they're not looking again... back to death glare and plotting. "Can't kill him... he has a kid. Of course he has a kid. Something mated with this man to preserve his genes. I'll just maim him. Draino in his drink. See, when used in the movie Heathers, it was a quick and easy death. However, that movie inspired real life robbers turned murderers to try it in the infamous Hi-Fi murders, and it ended up being one of the most horrific crimes of that state to date. The problem is Draino doesn't kill you. It just burns everything it touches and puts you in excruciating pain that includes blisters and erosion. Perfect." 

Some people were still eating in the kitchen, including "Linda Blair", who I'll get to in a second. My boyfriend had a really bad headache, so we sat down on the couch. We were only sitting for 5 minutes when Linda makes this bitchy comment of, "Why don't you guys be productive and help clean up the food? Your dinner was delicious, right?!" Okay, bitch, dinner isn't over? In fact, you're still shoving food into your gaping maw as you unjustifiably bitch. It was so out of left field and unwarranted, because we helped with every single meal which included clean up, and yet we get this comment for sitting down as dinner is still being consumed. She acted this way the entire time too. She'd be nice and friendly, and then suddenly it was as if she became possessed by satan. It's funny because when we were out on the lake early Saturday, she made a comment about how almost everyone was there with someone, her best friend was getting married, and she didn't even have a boyfriend. I felt like saying later, "listen, I figured out your problem. I think you're possessed. See, you were eating dinner all calmly, and we sat down on the couch. Then all of a sudden you stood up, bent over backwards, walked out of the room on all fours, you had vile spewing out of your head as it was spinning around your body, and you said 'your mother sucks cocks in hell, Karras, you faithless slime!' I can imagine that's a little off-putting to men."

I survived this weekend, though! I drank 1 and a half beers, I enjoyed my morbid and sarcastic thoughts, and I appreciated how beautiful my surroundings were. The pontoon boat had to travel through this shallow little river to get out into the actual lake, and the entire river was filled with lilypads, fish, and turtles. I've never seen that many turtles in the wild before, and I thought it was wonderful. No one on the boat cared, but that was my favorite part of the weekend.

I'm sure this entry is filled with errors, but I doubt anyone reads this, and I'm exhausted.

illness.

Every time I say I've had the worst month, and it could only get better, I'm severely proven wrong. So, I will not say that about August out of fear. I will say that August 2013 will be deemed, "The month I thought I was dying, and I'm worried about Nietzsche too".

Late July, my boyfriend called me suddenly because he had a fever and chills. He asked what to take, and he sounded horrible. He felt sick for the next few days, and by the weekend he felt better. However, he completely lost his voice. He spent all of Saturday without a voice, and woke up Sunday with a severe sore throat and double ear infections. That next weekend, out of nowhere, I lost my voice. I had no other symptoms, and I felt fine otherwise. After my voice came back, my throat was definitely irritated and I developed a cough. My boyfriend finally went to the clinic and got antibiotics, and he was feeling great by the following weekend. So he's feeling better, and I have really mild symptoms that really only bother me in the morning and at night. I figured whatever I caught from him was working it's way out of my system.

Well I was wrong! The weekend before week 3 of this nightmare my throat started to get really bad in the morning and especially at night. My lymph nodes swelled up so bad that I could barely move my neck. Now here's where things took a turn for me. I had realized that sometime in July, I had noticed I had this tiny bump on the left side of my neck. It was painless and solid. I shrugged it off, but looking back, that's right about the time I noticed my wisdom teeth were finally showing signs of decay (it's because they're impacted, not because I don't brush my teeth!). The one on the left side also bothered me slightly for a few days, which has happened before, and I think it's either a mild infection or something got stuck in there that I can't see. So it's on the side of that lymph node, and that's probably what that's about. However, with this illness on my mind, I completely forgot about that as a possibility, and jumped straight into the mindset that I was probably dying of cancer (I'm dramatic, I know). My boyfriend offered to take me to the clinic he went to this past weekend, but it was a low-cost one in a strip mall, and I knew I wouldn't feel "satisfied" with whatever they told me. I know in order to get any piece of mind about what was going on, I'd have to see one of the doctors at the Northshore clinics here. So, Wednesday night, at the peak of my paranoia, I went.

At the time of my visit, I only had a mild sore throat. The doctor did a pretty thorough exam on me, and felt the lymph nodes in my neck several times. She concluded that considering I had similar symptoms as my boyfriend, whatever I have is viral, and she wasn't concerned. She told me to wait it out, and not to worry about my lymph nodes, because they could take a month to return to normal. I felt a million times better after the appointment, but little did I know it wouldn't last. So, that takes us up to speed of two weeks of this. So this past weekend, I felt "okay". One of my eyes got super red, but didn't hurt or feel irritated at all, and a few days later the other eye was the same. That went away finally. Monday night I felt feverish, and had the chills. I barely slept all night going from chills to overheating. I ended up leaving work early, because I felt horrible, and that night was my first day of class. When I got home from class, my throat was especially bad, and I looked at it in the mirror. Bam, huge tonsils covered in white spots. Great! That night I feel like I had a fever again, and I just felt awful. I went to the Target clinic the minute they opened for a strep throat test. It came back negative, which is what I was expecting, because I'm certain this is all viral and not bacterial. The nurse gave me antibiotics just in case, and I've been taking them. So, it's Friday today, and I'm staying home this weekend to relax. I should mention my other fun symptoms, because there have been so many! Constant headaches, aches, general malaise. My immune system is so shot right now that I'm literally getting everything. I have a canker sore on my cheek, the very tops of each of my canine teeth got slightly red and irritated yesterday, and no matter how much I brush I'm getting so much tartar all of a sudden. I read that it could all be viral too. How would you not feel like you were dying after all of this?!

Today, I feel okay! I feel like I haven't had coffee in 4 days, because that's true. The strep throat is almost gone, but my throat feels okay anyhow. I don't have a constant headache, and I'm able to regulate my body temperature. My canker sore is going away, my teeth look good, my lymph nodes are going down (except that one!!!!).

Helping my immune system plan of action:
Continue taking antibiotics regardless of effectiveness.
LOTS OF WATER.
Multivitamin as usual.
Eat well.
Cranberry pills with Vitamin C and probiotics.
Salt water rinses.
Lots of rest.
No drinking, no caffeine, no more stressing out.

I'm skeptical that this is over with, but I'm determined to stay on the course of getting better. Because of all of this, I lost the money I've saved so far for my wisdom teeth, and my surgery is next month. I've decided that I'm going to pay off this medical stuff right away, and cover as much as I can of the wisdom teeth with my student loan remainder. I'll get to the wisdom teeth in a minute.

So while all of this has been happening, I noticed a small pimple/wart like bump on the top of Nietzsche's left ear. It's flesh colored, doesn't look irrirated, and doesn't seem to bother her. At any other time, I would've taken her to the vet immediately, but with money being so tight night now, I've just been closely monitoring it and her habits. Everything seems okay, however, it's been a few weeks now. I decided to try to pop it if it was just a pimple. It did, and a little bit of clear liquid came out and then some blood. Uhgggg, why. Why now? It could still be a pimple, and it doesn't look like anything bad after my countless hours of googling what it could possibly be. If this continues, I'm going to take her to the vet asap when I have even a little money available (unless it turns into an emergency, because my cat is worth any cost). So not only am I feeling bad, but I can't help the one creature that relies on me for care and I feel like such a failure. My cat is the most important thing to me in the world, and the only thing that makes me really happy. I broke down crying last night, because I started thinking about the fragility of life again there with my purring cat in my arms. What if I did have cancer (I don't think I do), and what if she has cancer? Why do I keep getting into this rut lately? I'm happy that I could identify as soon as it happens, and I stop myself, at least. "Jessica, you're thinking negatively, stop and think about happy things".

A coworker actually reminded me that general anesthesia is dangerous when it comes it my wisdom teeth (and everything, really). I've been so fixated on the cost, my current illness, and being scared about the procedure in general, that I totally forgot about the risks with that. There's a good chance I could experience that anesthesia awareness, because I have 2 of the little known risk factors working against me. Also, I could die. Also, it's expensive! So, guess what, forget that! That'll help bring the cost down, and I'll just ask them to dope me up as much as possible.

I'm excited about September being over with, because all of these things will be behind me, and I'll have a clear path of what to do financially. I know that soon I'll get back to a place where I have money for clothes, and a little extra to put into savings every month. It's just the waiting, the feeling terrible, and the uncertainty that is terribly unenjoyable right now. It think it's really take me until next year to officially get back on track, but at least there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

wisdom.

Here's photographic proof that I've stepped on the beach once this year. I'm so disappointed it hasn't been more (I'm not even wearing a swimsuit!). This weekend I received confirmation that I'll be given loans for school. I'm so happy and relieved I was given any federal loans (even though I should more than qualify), but I'm really lucky and got subsidized instead of unsubsidized (though these days they appear to be mostly the same). The cost of school, specifically the interest accrued on these loans, is terrifying. A full-time semester is only about $1,600 before books, but after a few of those plus interest, I'm already at a pretty decent chunk before a dental hygiene program. I have to do it, so this is the best way I can right now. The thing that gets to me, is some imaginary balance between living on my own and living at home ends up being the best solution. When I was living at home I would have enough money to just make payments towards school and not have to take out loans. However, it would be hard to have the time or means to get to class up here for any classes I can't take online. I'm extremely thankful that I've been given a chance to rent at a price I could afford right now, because I'm using every second to relax and focus instead of being exhausted and stressed out. If my rent goes up next year, I won't be able to afford my apartment, so I'm savoring every minute I was gifted with the luxury. It is technically possible to do work - commute - a full-time school if I have to next year, but it'll be such a physical, mental, and emotional drain. I haven't had a chance to talk about my apartment, which I will in this post, because I've had so many negative things happen lately. Another one of those things being my wisdom teeth, which I have all 4 scheduled to be removed on September 21st. There's a small chance I could suffer permanent nerve damage, but I literally have no choice but to remove them. Luckily, the cost is exactly what I'd manage to scrape up by then, but this is just another thing that's depleted any extra money I have just when I thought I was going to be okay. I've accepted that this situation could potentially last the entire time I'm living on my own with maybe a few breaks here or there where I could afford some new clothes or apartment things. What more could I need right now?

I've done nothing but think about how fragile life is lately. The odds are so stacked against all of us, that it's really insane that I'm alive and healthy. Literally any day my life could change. I could become terminally ill, get in a car accident, anything. As an atheist, it's even more depressing to think about, because this life for me is the end of it. I'll never be as young or as healthy as I am now. It makes me realize how beautiful and important every single aspect of my life experience is. I know how depressing that sounds, but it's actually the opposite. I'm slowly dying every day, but at the same time I'm lucky enough to experience every detail of that day. For instance, my apartment... my name is on the buzzer and the keys are in my purse. Mail comes to my mailbox addressed to me. It's my piece of this universe. I'm the head of my household. Should I decide to go home and lay on my floor with Nietzsche doing nothing, I can! How is that not the greatest thing ever? I sound like a child that just realized I don't have a bed time. Dear reader, live every day with childlike wonder. It's the best. I love every square inch of this space of mine, even if I can't currently afford to do what I want with it. In due time, I will.
I finished The Enchanter by Nabokov and I'm onto Pnin.

rain.

My hair didn't come out as dark as I imagined it would, but that's okay. It's inspired me to just go back to my natural color. Next time my hair needs to be done, that's what I'll do. I'm actually excited about being a brunette again. I have more random money woes, but I don't even feel like getting into it. I dropped off my loan plea (essentially what it is) at the college, so they said I should hear back in about two weeks. After a decade of being totally fine, my wisdom teeth have decided it's time to go. One of them is aching and doesn't look very well at all. I have a consultation on July 20th, and a subsequent financial breakdown penciled in for that evening which will involve crying and chocolate. The positives of this upcoming month are the fact that I own a sailor shirt:

Also, I've been watching some beautiful movies, and I bought three new Nabokov books. More on that in a later post!

inspiration.

It's 10:30 at night, and I just finished watching Rosemary's Baby. It was such a wonderful and suspenseful movie, but I did giggle when they were chanting "Hail Satan!". I love the way my nail polish is fading off my nails, and in the span of the movie, a little bee died on my bathroom windowsill.
I love my new bangs, but they need to grow just a little bit longer to be perfect. I wasn't sure what length I wanted. I've also decided to dye it a bit darker this weekend. I really want this color, but I'm sure it won't be that perfect:

I'm working on my tan, and my skin is getting much better.

I'm currently in love with black strappy shoes, especially with frilly socks. There are so many cute things I want, but can't currently buy. Instead, I'll admire.

 I think this tapestry would look so amazing behind my bed.

 Want this dress so bad! It's sold out in my size anyhow :(

style and grace.

May is almost over and good riddance! Things are all starting to fall into place and work out accordingly. The only thing I don't know is whether or not I'll get that extra AT&T charge, and if so, will I be able to dispute it. It would be very comforting to be able to keep that extra $100 in my savings. I paid off my medical bill, and paid for my cavity to be filled finally. I need to get informed as possible about loans, and take out an appropriate one for school. The only problem is that I have to be as cheap as possible for the next month or so. It's difficult to not spend money right now, because I want to do fun stuff with my boyfriend, and I won't let him pay for everything. If I keep on this spending habit, I'll never have any money for new clothes, and I'll be a sad panda. On the plus side, I bought a new bikini and I finally got some office appropriate wedge heels. We'll see if they fit and if I like them when they arrive. I mostly need to focus on tops and dresses. I'm luckily pretty set when it comes to pants and shorts. I'm going to shop with a strict budget in mind, like at Plato's Closet and Discovery.
My face had gotten so bad the past few weeks, that on Monday I decided it was the final straw. I literally had giant breakouts all over my face with little ones making my face look like the moon. On top on that, I had this one on the bridge of my nose that erupted into an oozing crater. The awesome part of all of this was that on Monday I met my boyfriend's parents and some of his friends. I pretty much just wanted to die the entire time, but I have time to redeem myself in the physical appearance department. I at least had a good time otherwise, and I really like his parents. My diet should really be helping, so I decided maybe there's something else at play here. The only things I've changed are #1 no tanning, #2 self-tanner, #3 new foundation. So that was it for me, I reverted back. I signed up for a tanning package, because one place was offering 2 months free, and that works out perfect! I won't have to pay for it in the months I'm hurting most. I stopped using my new foundation and self-tanner. My face is already almost 100% better. Also I've got a good base color after 2 days of tanning for 10 minutes, so talk about instant gratification. My sister wasn't able to cut my hair yet, but I'm going to beg her this weekend. Otherwise, I might end up going somewhere, but I just have a gut feeling I'd regret trusting something that complicated to anyone else.
Anyhow despite money and appearance woes, I'm just doing awesome. I've been smiling for weeks, despite my self-esteem crisis lately. My boyfriend keeps telling me how beautiful I am, how smart I am, what he likes about me. He keeps surprising me with things, sends me pictures of cute things while I'm at work, and gives me like 3 back rubs a day. He cooks me breakfast and dinner, or takes me out to dinner. I'm typing this and it sounds ridiculous, but it's real and it's happening! Am I dreaming? I'm so damn lucky it's insane. It's definitely shower and bed time now.

blue eyes.

I've been trying not to post, because I've been having a rough month. I definitely don't want it to seem like I do nothing but complain, though ranting does make me feel a lot better. I haven't received my At&t bill yet, but I hope that I could be successful in disputing the extra charges. In the theme of unexpected charges this month, I got a UTI for the first time in years, and I had to go to the doctor for antibiotics. I have high deductible insurance, so essentially I'll be paying out of pocket for it. I'm assuming my bill will be around $500. I'm going to offer to pay them in cash to see if I could get a discount. I've read online that they could offer you anywhere up to 50% off for doing that. I'm not too hopeful I'll get 50% off, but any discount will help. Yet again, that's coming directly out of my savings. Depending on the actual bill, this has prompted me to address this cavity I've had for a few months. I've never had a root canal, and I don't want this to turn into one because I'm being cheap and stubborn. I'll really regret the cost of that, versus what it costs as a cavity. Health is always more important than money. On the plus side, I received a letter that I was awarded $1,400 in financial aid from some student council fund for people that don't qualify for other types of aid. It'll be $700 for fall and $700 for spring semester. This is such good news, because anything will help me, and I feel like that should at least cover my book costs.

My other woe has been my appearance lately. I've created a list of small things to do that will make me feel better. I have so many residual spots from breaking out, that even when my face is clear, it doesn't look like it. It's because I'm so pale right now. When it gets nicer out, I'm going to try to take 15-20 minute walks during the day mid-week to supplement the limited sun I could get on the weekends. There will be plenty of beach days in my future, even if I go alone. I'm getting my hair dyed on Saturday, and I'm going to get some sort of bangs. I think I'll get longer ones, I just need something to frame my face. I also need to work on these dark under eye circles that appeared in the last few months. My plan is to make sure I get at least 7 hours of sleep a night, and treat my eyes with green tea and cucumber. You drink the green tea, save the bags, chill them, and put them on your eyes for 15 mins. I'll follow that up with cucumber slices. I'll see if that helps at all in the next few weeks.

 Anyhow, May has been rough, but I think June will be amazing. I have a bunch of fun plans for this summer with my friends. I just took a spontaneous road trip to Milwaukee with one on Saturday. We went out to lunch and stopped at a record store. I bought a Soft Cell record because it was only $5, and it made me happy.

poor.

The internet tech just left, and I heard my e-mail alert go off. It was a statement for the service for $99. Now, the reason they came out was because there was an issue with either the connection or the equipment, which the lady on the phone yesterday assured me would not result in a charge. I'm hoping that it's credited on my bill, but I'm not too optimistic. I'm sure I'll have to argue, lose, and eat the cost. I also just realized I must've thrown away my birth control pills for next month in the move, and I'll have to buy new ones on Saturday. Couple this with the fact I found out I don't qualify for any financial aid for school, and I will have to take out loans for 100% of the cost. Sprinkle in the cavity I need filled that I've been putting off for a little while that will cost about $100 (it's very small, so I could hold off on that for now), and the early termination fee I have to cover for my dad (I accidentally renewed my brother's phone contract when I bought my new phone). Yep, I'm pretty much having a mini breakdown, and I feel a ridiculous sense of dread and depression right now. I worked very hard to budget and build up a decent amount (for me at least) of savings, and I'm chiseling away at it. It just scares me, because with my current budget, I can't contribute back to it much at all. The loans are what scare me the most, and every particle of reason in me is screaming, "don't do it, forget school!". I have to take a moment to realize that this is simply a transition into something better. Not everyone has it easy, and I've personally created a lot of the obstacles I have to face now. When they tell you getting back into school later in life is harder, it's true. I feel like I've been given an extremely good opportunity with my job and my living situation now. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I need to take advantage of this moment in time, because it'll never get any easier. So fine, whatever it costs to be back on level ground, I'll take the hit. I'm very proud of myself, especially the past few years. I handled a difficult commute, I bought a car, I built up a savings account, I officially have an "excellent" credit score, I live alone now, I'm going to school, I left my first love, and I removed my mom from my life finally. I have amazing friends, and Liz feels like a sister to me. I've gotten a lot closer to my sister when I lived at home, as well as my grandma, and I've gotten to spend more time with my dad. Credit, loans, bills, money... none of that is joy or worthy of depression. Anyhow, when I look back at this moment in time, I don't want it to be of me moping about things I can't control. I want it to be of me enjoying my new freedom, learning, spending time enjoying all the beautiful free things life has to offer (such as frolicking in a bikini on the beach), chasing unrequited love, and just being happy. On the plus side, it's been almost a month of low carb, and my skin is almost completely clear. I'm eating even better than usual too, which is always a good thing. I cooked fish and veggies for dinner, and snacked on almonds. My diet is chicken, fish, steak, nuts, seeds, fruits, veggies, peanut butter, eggs, sandwiches (lower carb bread like pumpernickel and/or rye), and wraps (usually just tomatoes and cucumbers). At least I have that going for me. Also, I ate a slice of deep dish pizza with no ill effects, so I know I could treat myself once in awhile. Well, this has been a depressing post! I just needed to vent a little, and organize my thoughts. I'm off to bed to dream about my favorite handsome man in my alternate reality where he would have any interest in me. In a close second is the fantasy of being on a beach in that pretty pink ruffled Juicy Couture bikini, eating a bowl of raw cookie dough while Morrissey sings "Last Night, Maudlin Street" to me. Gotta combine the two... okay, forget the cookie dough... using salt water spray in my hair for beach waves, wearing the pretty bikini, in bed with him while Morrissey plays in the background. Perfect! Night!

stairs.

My best friend gave away her Friday night work shift, so we decided to get coffee then instead of Saturday. Out of nowhere it started snowing, but it didn't stick. Despite being completely sick of winter at this point, it was almost really calming to see it. I was drinking endless cups of coffee in a diner, windows all around us, laughing, feeling like I'm in a really rustic snowglobe. These two loud guys were eventually sat behind us, and one of them was completely drunk. The drunk one turned around and asked us, "what do you think about open relationships?". We figured it was going to be all downhill and obnoxious from there, but they ended up being nice enough. They only had a few cups of coffee, asked a few opinions from us, and ended up taking care of our bill. Good ol' Indiana boys.
Saturday was furniture assembly day, and the longest day ever. It started with me having to take my car in for an oil change. My sister called me to say her boyfriend had time to help me move. He's the only one I know with a truck, so it was really nice of him to agree to it. It was just sudden and unplanned, so I had to rush home to clear off all the larger things I needed him to take. The stuff that was on my desk and vanity are all over my floor, and I can't wait to organize and pack them up today. Unfortunately, my vanity table was a casualty in the move. He insisted on trying to fix it, which was nice, but I'm going to have to consider buying a new one. My sister and her boyfriend had somewhere to go right away, so my friends and I were left to bring the furniture inside. Now there was Liz (recently recovering from bronchitis/pneumonia), Jen (recently recovering from a major surgery), and me (I can't lift anything too heavy). We have a couch, an air conditioner, and a desk. Liz and I brought the desk in while Jen waited outside with the remaining things. One elevator is out of order, and the other one appears to not be working. It's stuck on a floor, and nothing was happening. I decided to run up the stairs to figure it out, and the elevator was open. I stepped on, but realizing I didn't have my phone, I was too afraid I was going to get stuck in it. I ran back down the stairs, and Liz said the elevator finally came down. She had her phone, so we decided to give it a try. Success. Realizing the elevator might give out at any time, we decided we needed to get the couch and A/C unit up to my apartment at the same time. We brought both over to the elevator, and it wasn't moving again, stuck on the top floor. I took Liz's phone and started running up the stairs. I got to about the 6th floor when I heard the elevator moving. I turned around and went down, and Jen was holding the door of the elevator open. Some guy came down from the 8th floor before I had time to get up there. Apparently he just went to grab a pop from the vending machine on the floor we were on. I get down to them, we have just a moment to discuss the fact the elevator came down and we needed to put the stuff on it, when the guy that came down on it cuts in front of us, steps into the elevator even though Jen is holding the damn doors, closes the doors and goes up to floor 8. A man in track pants cut in front of 3 women struggling with furniture, because he wanted a pepsi. You don't deserve to wear track pants you lazy ass motherfucker. I'm going to run up 8 flights of stairs in jeans, rip those track pants off of you, and strangle you with them. I know your face. If I see you again, I'll say nothing, because I'm non-confrontational and I don't fight... the evil glares you will get though... The events after that were a blur, because we were all pissed off, but we did eventually get the furniture on the elevator, and into my apartment. After that, we went to Clarke's to eat, and ran to pick up a few things at Walmart. When we got back, it was assembly time. It took forever. We were completely unprepared, and only had one screwdriver. We did a damn good job though, and kept rotating tasks. The bed and bathroom spacesaver look amazing. There was one screw missing for the spacesaver, but luckily there's an Ace hardware down the block. I'll pick one up when I move in. It feels like such a relief to get the major things done, and I'm so lucky to have such amazing friends. I never would've been able to do all of that myself. I'll take pictures next weekend when I have everything completely set up. By the time we got home, it was almost 2 am. I pulled up to my house, and the sewer in front was gushing water completely flooding the street. I woke my dad up, and we called the police. Turns out a water line burst, and they were out there all night tearing up the street. It was a good thing I was home so late, otherwise that would've been horrible in the morning.
Now I'm sitting in my room typing this with a cup of coffee. My cat is nervous, because my room looks different, and I feel the same way. It feels very real now. It's terrifying for no reason. I've been independent for a long time, and I know how to be alone. They say the only thing certain in life is change. The season, my home, my priorities, my thoughts, the reasons I smile, and who I dream about. My kitty is always there for me though.

summer in lace.

 Dear internet,
I tried to be productive tonight, I really did. The rain is pounding on the roof, and I had to stay in tonight. I was distracted by looking at old photo albums, catching the scent of my new pomegranate lotion, and finding new meanings in New Order's "Ruined In A Day". My appetite hasn't returned, and I've lost three pounds. Note to self: buy protein bars.

I made a collage of pretty things I'd like, but the bed and canopy are already mine. I'm going to be a good girl and not spend any money on clothes until June, because I do have more apartment expenses. It doesn't feel real yet... I can't make zucchini bread as my first apartment meal now. How about low carb fudge instead? Since school isn't starting until August, I've created a huge list of things to watch and read. I should have apartment photos up in the next few weeks. Who's going to keep me company, and watch movies with me?

new chapter.

One chapter of my life has ended, and a new one will start. I'm single now, and it's okay. My mornings start with the calming sound of purring in my ear from my favorite pillow-hog. My weekdays were smiles, longing stares, and making sure my lipgloss is perfect. It's only Saturday, but this weekend weather has put me in a good mood. My best friend is sick, so I'm putting off the start of apartment decorating until next weekend. My new bed should be delivered then, so that certainly works out. I'm appreciating where I am in life, and how proud I am of myself. Monday I'll get to register for classes. I'm thinking Russian, English, Math, and Biology. The Russian class is for fun, and so I could potentially make some new friends. English isn't necessary for most dental hygiene programs, but I want it to be my primary focus. Becoming a better writer is the one thing I want to get out of my college experience.

There's finally some legitimate research about diet and acne, so everyone could stop calling me crazy! Here's one from NPR. When I first started my sugar-free journey two years ago, I had very limited knowledge on the subject. I knew that the grams of sugar listed on labels were just a small piece of the puzzle for what actually affects blood sugar. Without having any basis other than anecdotes and personal experience linking my horrible skin with my diet (which was never really that bad!), I felt like going into it 100% was an overkill. Yes, I knew carbs were part of the picture, but I kept thinking eating a piece of bread just really shouldn't affect me... Well, I'm wrong. I'm taking it very seriously now, and I'm limiting carbs as well. It's been about two weeks, and I feel amazing. I'm eating more fruits, vegetables, real oatmeal (not instant), almond milk, nuts, seeds, meat, fish, etc. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything, because being healthy is way better than the temporary joy of a cupcake. On the plus side, there's plenty of alternative recipes out there. Sugar-free key lime pie, anyone?

I'm going to focus my new free time on just enjoying all the beauty life has to offer. I know that's cheesy, but there are so many things that fill me with warmth. The way the sun feels on my skin, the look of dust dancing in the light, the thought of spring flowers starting to bloom, dancing in my room to cabaret voltaire in my underwear, getting excited about making heart-shaped ice cubes with the tray I bought from Ikea, the scent of Juicy Couture's Fleur perfume, a new purse, the sweet taste of apples, putting on pastel lingerie to pretend I'm Marie Antoinette, wondering what new bikini I should buy, noticing how nice the men look in their fancy suits downtown, and I caught the first scent of a campfire today.

Someone out there is going to make me feel really special, and put a smile on my face. If that never happens, well, that's okay too. I can honestly say that I'm happy with everything I have, and I know how lucky I am.
"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life — It goes on." - Robert Frost

movie weekend.

I painted my nails some Easter themed pink, and I'm putting off taking a shower. If I do, I accept it's time to get to bed for work in the morning. I just hate getting up, but I do look forward to work. I watched a few movies this weekend:

Baby Love (1968)

I liked this movie a lot, especially the fashion. Luci is 15 when her mom commits suicide, because of unrequited love from Luci's dad (her high school sweetheart). In her suicide note, she requests Luci's dad to take her into his family. Considering she has some serious unresolved emotional/mental issues, she starts to terrorize the family one-by-one. It was pretty interesting, and disturbing.

Noce Blanche (1989)

A french film with subtitles about a troubled student obsessed with her philosophy teacher. I keep thinking what else to write, but I feel like anything I say would give away interesting plot points. It's a lot more thought-provoking than sleazy, and ended up being a lot deeper than I imagined from the premise.

Girly (1970)

"A wealthy, fatherless British clan kidnaps bums and hippies and forces them to participate in an elaborate role-playing game in which they are the perfect family; those who refuse or attempt escape are ritualistically murdered." -IMDB
This was a really fun and bizarre movie.

enrichment.

I've applied to college, and I've received some indeterminate amount of financial aid for it. Around the 25th when the summer semester forms are available, I will prove my residency and take the placement test. I'm more nervous about the written essay portion of the exam than I am the math part. I'm so self-conscious about my writing these days. I haven't written an essay in almost a decade... I feel so old saying that. I'm pretty sure I'm going to take Math, Biology, English, and Russian to start. I'm going to be super busy, but I think it'll be good for me. I feel like my brain has atrophied at this point, and maybe some over-stimulation is what I need. I've also written out a huge list of things that I've been meaning to watch and read. I'm sure I'll make a blog post about each one. Currently I'm reading Anna Karenina. I have a lot of opinions and thoughts about it so far, but I'm only 30% done according to my kindle app. I'll reserve judgment for when I finish. I signed my apartment lease, and I've bought a lot of things I need so far. Skipping over practical stuff for now, I want Paul & Joe cosmetics sooooo bad. Just look:

moving on.

I'm posting infrequently, because it's hard to articulate my thoughts right now. Well, maybe not really so much... they're actually at a deafening pitch in my head all day, but I'm not ready to deal with a lot of them just yet. I'm very happy to say I'm finally moving out on my own. I'll have my own studio apartment with all my own things, and my own food. I'm pretty sure the first thing I want to bake for myself is zucchini bread, mmm. I'm getting very excited with all the decorating possibilities to make this a comforting place. I'm not sure what type of bed I want to get yet (a lifted bed so Nietzsche could have extra space, a day bed for ample room, or a bed with drawers on the bottom for extra storage). I'm kind of leaning towards the daybed since it would give me more space plus Nietzsche could go under it. I really like this comforter set, since it breaks from my typical black & white. I might need a vanity table and a desk, or perhaps one that could be used as both. I definitely plan on getting a full length mirror, since I've never had one. I'm absolutely 100% going to finally buy a street lamp for my room. I like this one because it has a planter build in so I can have some plants as well. Lily of the valley and some shade loving grasses, most likely. I also need some glow in the dark stars, pretty lights, and a bed crown of sorts. I haven't fallen in love with a shower curtain or bathroom theme just yet, but I've got some time. Anyhow, I'm excited!

wedges.

I bought a new phone finally, and I'm quite happy with it so far. It's the Droid DNA. I used the rest of my tax return to stock up on some essential clothes before I become super broke after the move. I also got some wedge heels and thigh highs because I can.
 

I also bought some white thigh highs, but I can't find the image for those at the moment. I just need to buy a new gray long sleeve cardigan (which is surprisingly hard to find at the moment), cuffed light jeans, a new purse, and lots of underwear. Oh, also a set of hot rollers. Once I don't have to wake up at 6 am, I'll have some time to really do fun stuff with my hair.

I need to save up for apartment furniture and things soon. Luckily, I have most of the kitchen stuff covered. The biggest things I'll need are a bed and a dresser.

fresh start.

Time & time again I always claim I'll keep up with blogging. It's true this time, I swear on my life. I'm going to need an outlet for at least the next few months, and hopefully beyond. I'll have moving, new friend, and school adventures. Before the chaos starts, my goal is to read a few books, watch some movies, and re-watch Twin Peaks.

I finished this book quickly, because it was short. It was a very good pick-me-up, because the letters feel like they're written to you. It was very inspiring, and I'm glad I finally read it.