I have a thing about food and drinks, and when you combine those things with drunk people, it's pretty much a nightmare for me. I remember breakfast the first morning, I was sitting in the kitchen monitoring food preparation like a hawk. "aaaaaaand she just slid her unwashed hands down the length of the loaf of bread while cutting it. Now someone else who hasn't washed their hands is dipping the bread into the egg batter. Oh god, they're getting their hands really deep in the bowl for no reason. Welp, the french toast is now dead to me." My eyes bolt to the other side of the kitchen. "She's ripping up kraft american cheese slices with her hands and throwing them into this giant bowl of scrambled eggs. Dead to me. Slightly gagging." I ended up eating bacon, because it was safe. I won't even get into the drink concoctions they made and all drank out of, which included passes to the guy that forgot to bring a toothbrush for the entire weekend.
Speaking of that guy and my food problem, that guy is the biggest waste of oxygen on the planet as far as I'm concerned. After an entire day of not washing his hands on Saturday, this vile piece of shit walks into the kitchen, apparently grabs a piece of grilled chicken with his hands, and walks outside to the table we were sitting. He's a 30ish year old man who thinks it's entertaining to shove the entire piece in his mouth and purposely try to spew it out while mumbling. I, personally, was hoping he was going to choke and die. I reacted to this display of idiocy too slowly and a piece of chicken landed on my leg. I pushed my chair waaaaaaay far away from this living piece of garbage as fast as I could, and tried not to gag at how disgusting what just happened was. I stared at this man with beams of utter hatred and thought, "Welp, that settles it. I have to kill him." I stared at him in silence with a death glare for so long I was surprised no one asked me why I was so quiet. "Oh I'm fine, I'm just thinking about fluffy kitties and how relaxing Michigan is". Cue a big fake smile, wait until they're not looking again... back to death glare and plotting. "Can't kill him... he has a kid. Of course he has a kid. Something mated with this man to preserve his genes. I'll just maim him. Draino in his drink. See, when used in the movie Heathers, it was a quick and easy death. However, that movie inspired real life robbers turned murderers to try it in the infamous Hi-Fi murders, and it ended up being one of the most horrific crimes of that state to date. The problem is Draino doesn't kill you. It just burns everything it touches and puts you in excruciating pain that includes blisters and erosion. Perfect."
Some people were still eating in the kitchen, including "Linda Blair", who I'll get to in a second. My boyfriend had a really bad headache, so we sat down on the couch. We were only sitting for 5 minutes when Linda makes this bitchy comment of, "Why don't you guys be productive and help clean up the food? Your dinner was delicious, right?!" Okay, bitch, dinner isn't over? In fact, you're still shoving food into your gaping maw as you unjustifiably bitch. It was so out of left field and unwarranted, because we helped with every single meal which included clean up, and yet we get this comment for sitting down as dinner is still being consumed. She acted this way the entire time too. She'd be nice and friendly, and then suddenly it was as if she became possessed by satan. It's funny because when we were out on the lake early Saturday, she made a comment about how almost everyone was there with someone, her best friend was getting married, and she didn't even have a boyfriend. I felt like saying later, "listen, I figured out your problem. I think you're possessed. See, you were eating dinner all calmly, and we sat down on the couch. Then all of a sudden you stood up, bent over backwards, walked out of the room on all fours, you had vile spewing out of your head as it was spinning around your body, and you said 'your mother sucks cocks in hell, Karras, you faithless slime!' I can imagine that's a little off-putting to men."
I survived this weekend, though! I drank 1 and a half beers, I enjoyed my morbid and sarcastic thoughts, and I appreciated how beautiful my surroundings were. The pontoon boat had to travel through this shallow little river to get out into the actual lake, and the entire river was filled with lilypads, fish, and turtles. I've never seen that many turtles in the wild before, and I thought it was wonderful. No one on the boat cared, but that was my favorite part of the weekend.
I'm sure this entry is filled with errors, but I doubt anyone reads this, and I'm exhausted.
