I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

So I love my new officemate, however like almost everyone in my town, she's super religious. Within the first few days of meeting her, she said that every morning she wakes up to read her bible for an hour. I think I grimaced involuntarily after she said that, and had to quickly form an expression that didn't suggest I think she's batshit insane. Her desk has become polluted with creepy religious stuff, like this rolodex of bible quotes, art, and Jesus quotes written on post-its stuck all around her kleenex box. Maybe blowing your nose is a sin. If I was a total asshole, I'd hang up my own art to balance things out in there. Ying and yang, freedom of religion and all that. I'd hang some nice artwork:

So she invited me over to watch a movie ages ago, and I kept making excuses. Finally decided to get it over with, since I didn't have anything going on Friday night. We grabbed dinner and headed over to her place, and sat down at the table. There I was, a sitting duck. A fly caught in a web. The Christian pamphlet was pulled from her purse. "So, how much do you know about Christianity?" It had begun... I've never actually been in that situation before. Usually I avoid religion talks like the plague. I had to be good,and vague. I have to work with this person. We have to get along. She said she liked talking to people with opposing views, but little did she know just who she was talking to. I'm not just non-religious or agnostic. I'm severely atheist to the point that religion disgusts me. She said that occasionally her beliefs are put to the test, but the overwhelming evidence that god is real justifies everything. 

Then she asked me if I think I've ever sinned, and I had to stifle laughter. Like, hell yeah. I sin like it's an Olympic sport. Never been so damn proud of anything in my life! I deserve a medal for making it out of there without being a total sarcastic asshole. I don't even like arguing with religious people. I just want them to fear me. I want them to think I'm the embodiment of evil just wandering around. It's way more fun that way.

I followed some atheist stuff on Twitter a while ago, and people with really religious sounding usernames started following me. I was wondering if they'd start harassing me, but nothing... silence. Then I realized, maybe they wanted to see how am I, what may have went "wrong" with me. I'm just a case-study. The funniest thing is that I'm boring as hell. Not sure if they expected me to be dishing out secret cult agendas or something, but my tweets are always like, "I like eggs benedict!".
I them imagine one of them sees that, perks up, grabs a pad of paper and writes: