winter.

I have a mission, but I keep getting cold feet.

fog.

A thick cloud of uncertainty started swirling around me lately. It's this weird feeling of unexplained gloom and general anxiety. A bizarre transitional period. The doldrums. I love that word. I have a love/hate relationship with this feeling, because on one hand it's incredibly uncomfortable, and on the other hand it makes me feel creative.

stairs and flowers.

So, things never go according to plan. I ended up buying my car before I paid off my student loan, but oh well. Sometimes you have to take calculated risks. It's a 2012 Mazda 3, and I love it.
I'm embracing fall so much this year. I can't wait for sweaters and boots. I bought a little pumpkin from Trader Joe's and I carved it. I haven't done that since I was a kid. I plan on baking the seeds, and maybe trying to do a ton of different pumpkin recipes for the next month since they're so cheap. I love pumpkin & pomegranate time of the year, mmm.
I bought a sewing machine, so I could finally give that try. I have two men's small t-shirts that I need to completely alter because I look like I'm wearing a circus tent. If that goes well, I might try to make a dress. The YouTube videos all seem so easy...
I'm getting so out of shape, it's really upsetting me. My knees have randomly started hurting, which was never a thing before. I started doing yoga stretches before bed, so hopefully that helps. Being really thin can make your bones hurt sometimes, which is weird. My ribs hurt from sleeping on my side. A massage sounds so amazing... *dreamy sigh*
The new girl that filled my position at work is amazing so far, and she mentioned wanting to do yoga for trade somewhere. She seems really cool, and I might ask her if she wants to go with me. I would feel too intimidated to go by myself, and having a friend up here for a change would be nice.

Things have been so weird for me lately. I feel like I stumbled into some new phase of my life, which is just "acceptance". Perhaps I've just taken apathy to zen levels. It feels good. I ate grapes as I took a bath while watching tv today, and I thought, "this is nice". There is nothing. The jingle of my keys, a meowed greeting, comforting foods, lost time online when I should be reading, hot baths, staring at the illuminated hotel windows next door, ginger ale, trying to be more flexible, the soft pop sound of a text message, a cozy bed, the winds of fall seeping in, silence.

fall.

So buying records is out of the question unless I win the lottery or something. I'm already waaaaaay over my planned budget, as per usual. The main things I need before the end of the year would be some new skincare products, makeup, a dress for a wedding in October, and enough set aside to buy concert tickets if I manage to get a car before said concert that happens in Milwaukee mid-November. So, not unreasonable. After that, my budget gets pretty tight.
I already give myself $100 per week for food. That's just for me. Somehow I go over that almost every month sometimes by almost double. HOW. I barely get takeout and I almost never go out to eat. I think a lot of it has to do with the misc stuff that gets thrown in there and the fact that I can't buy in bulk since I don't have a car. On the weekends I go to my hometown, I spend $12 for the train tickets, I usually get starbucks for breakfast, something for lunch, then I go out for coffee and usually food, then repeat the next day. Then when my boyfriend comes up to visit me, we usually want to go out somewhere. So the weekends are what kill me. Having a car will help that somewhat, and I just need to be more mindful.
If I add in car expenses, I'm leaving myself with $100 to throw into savings every month, and $250 extra for whatever. For someone that lives alone and supports herself 100%, I think that's fine. I guarantee I'm going to overspend on food and dip into that $250, but otherwise it *should* be for clothes. Speaking of which, I absolutely hate fashion right now and I've just been wearing jeans and a plain t-shirt every day. Having a car will allow me to go to resale shops like Plato's Closet and outlet stores like Nordstrom Rack, etc. so I can save money there too.
This is essentially just a long rambly post to myself to remind me I'm on the right track, and I'm getting there. I test drove the Mazda 3, and that's definitely what I'll be getting.

vinyl.

I have a lot of things to look forward to before the year ends, and that's making me incredibly excited. My ultimate goal is to buy a car in December. I have to focus on paying off my student loan, which I'm working on every month. I'm assuming I'll get my average back on taxes and my xmas work bonus, so that'll take care of that. So in the meantime, I'm saving for the down payment and a few last things to spoil myself since I'll have less extra spending money after the car.

So my first car choice right now is a 2012-2013 Mazda 3, but I need to test drive it and make sure it's a good fit for me. It's a very popular car, so I need to make sure it gets my special touch... Bauhaus, Skinny Puppy, and Depeche Mode stickers should help me locate it in a parking lot. I can't wait to put my Hello Kitty stuff on the inside. The most important things I'm looking for this time are good gas mileage, a sunroof, and an amazing stereo. My second car choice is a Mini Cooper, and third would be a Honda Civic.

For my last chance at spoiling myself, I'm hoping to get most of these things. First, I need a new record player, so I'm going for the cute pink crosley. I also need a bin to start storing them, as my collection is growing. So the first record I want is Skinny Puppy's Bites. Then in no particular order Cleanse Fold And Manipulate, Remission, and the singles Chainsaw and Dig It. I want all the SP vinyl eventually, but it's reallllly expensive, and I'm going for my favorites first. Then I want My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult's I See Good Spirits and I see Bad Spirits and Confessions of a Knife. Ah, my WaxTrax/Industrial vinyl collection is starting to become my pride and joy.

breakup.

So I'm single now. We were better friends than lovers, and that's okay. I need to find someone more like me. Introverted & weird. Someone that likes my music and has my sense of humor.

That's eventually. For now I like being alone.

up and up.

I've been thinking a lot about my future lately, and last week I had a dream I moved to a new desk at work. It made me think about this position my work has been trying to fill lately, and it kind of dawned on me that I think I'd really like it. I nervously asked my boss, and he said he thinks it's a great idea. I'm reallllllllllly excited about it. Receivables/payables is the only position I told myself I'd want to do other than my job, but the problem was I thought I'd never get the opportunity. So, this is something new and that's awesome. Logically, I think I'd share an office with my coworker that I'll be sharing the workload with. A nice desk away from the front with someone I get along with. Or maybe it'll be the desk of the coworker that just retired that has a window. I'm not sure, but I'm in heaven right now with either option.

This is good. Things are good.

I'm going to Minneapolis this weekend, so I will celebrate extra hard.

glitter.

Guess what I got...

I found them on ebay brand new for $100, and I decided I had to treat myself. Thank you, Satan!! *highfives* Kidding, kidding.

Any extra money I have in April is going towards my boyfriend's b-day gift, which will be a watch he mentioned he wanted. After that I need to focus on some new clothes for myself. I can't express how excited I am for warmer weather... dresses, skirts, cuffed jeans, walking home from work, the smell of bonfires, that intense feeling that I should be making the most of every second, ice cream... the list goes on. I also feel like I need more glittery bobby pins in my life.

I started doing yoga almost every day, and I'm already noticing a positive change after only a week. Aside from yoga, I want to focus on strength training. I really wish I could take classes, but I just can't afford it, and I'm also afraid to go alone. It's silly because I'm pretty independent, I just sometimes feel uncomfortable doing new things by myself. I need a gym buddy.

dream land.

I wasted my afternoon napping, but my bed looked like a soothing honeypot and my dreams have been so inviting lately. It doesn't look like Spring outside just yet, but the sun hits me in a different way and the air smells like new beginnings.

I've fallen in love with these shoes, but of course they would be like ~$300. I've been scouring ebay to try to find some for much cheaper, but to no avail. Dear ...Satan, Swedish Hasbeens T-Strap Sky High Clogs, black and/or red please ♥

I've also decided to give sewing another try this weekend with friends. I had a sewing machine ages ago, but I had no idea how to use it properly. It's always been a dream of mine to be able to sew some pretty dresses, so we shall see.

Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Thyme.

I've been meaning to post for ages, but I always get to lazy or decide not to share my feelings.
Anyhow, I've had a lot of free time lately and I've been watching a lot of movies and tv. I'm running out of tv shows that look interesting on Netflix. A lot of the popular ones, like Breaking Bad, just don't seem appealing to me at all. Out of desperation I decided to give Californication a try since I've always heard good things. It's awful, but I love David Duchovny, so it's at least tolerable. I'm still on the first season and there's a lolita-esque plot and some boss/secretary stuff going on so at least it has that going for it. I plan on doing a big movie post soon, I hope. It's hard for me to dedicate the time to movies for some reason.

I had rekindled my friendship with Don, but ultimately decided that it was best for both of us if I ended it. I think there's a reason we never met in person, even when I was briefly in Miami. It would've complicated things that didn't need to be complicated. That's all I have to say about that.

new year.

Obligatory New Year's post. These aren't goals, since I already do them, just reminders to keep focusing on the following:

Drink more water.
Eat smaller portions.
Bike three times a week.
Brush the cat's teeth every Friday.
Floss every day.
Eat as much good food as I can which includes fruit and veggies every day.
Get at least 7 hours of sleep, but aim for 8-9.
Relax.
Work on repairing the damage I've done to my hair and figure out a style.
Pay off student loan by the end of summer.
Save money.
Get what I want.

Best wishes internet-land, and stay well~