Here's photographic proof that I've stepped on the beach once this year. I'm so disappointed it hasn't been more (I'm not even wearing a swimsuit!). This weekend I received confirmation that I'll be given loans for school. I'm so happy and relieved I was given any federal loans (even though I should more than qualify), but I'm really lucky and got subsidized instead of unsubsidized (though these days they appear to be mostly the same). The cost of school, specifically the interest accrued on these loans, is terrifying. A full-time semester is only about $1,600 before books, but after a few of those plus interest, I'm already at a pretty decent chunk before a dental hygiene program. I have to do it, so this is the best way I can right now. The thing that gets to me, is some imaginary balance between living on my own and living at home ends up being the best solution. When I was living at home I would have enough money to just make payments towards school and not have to take out loans. However, it would be hard to have the time or means to get to class up here for any classes I can't take online. I'm extremely thankful that I've been given a chance to rent at a price I could afford right now, because I'm using every second to relax and focus instead of being exhausted and stressed out. If my rent goes up next year, I won't be able to afford my apartment, so I'm savoring every minute I was gifted with the luxury. It is technically possible to do work - commute - a full-time school if I have to next year, but it'll be such a physical, mental, and emotional drain. I haven't had a chance to talk about my apartment, which I will in this post, because I've had so many negative things happen lately. Another one of those things being my wisdom teeth, which I have all 4 scheduled to be removed on September 21st. There's a small chance I could suffer permanent nerve damage, but I literally have no choice but to remove them. Luckily, the cost is exactly what I'd manage to scrape up by then, but this is just another thing that's depleted any extra money I have just when I thought I was going to be okay. I've accepted that this situation could potentially last the entire time I'm living on my own with maybe a few breaks here or there where I could afford some new clothes or apartment things. What more could I need right now?
I've done nothing but think about how fragile life is lately. The odds are so stacked against all of us, that it's really insane that I'm alive and healthy. Literally any day my life could change. I could become terminally ill, get in a car accident, anything. As an atheist, it's even more depressing to think about, because this life for me is the end of it. I'll never be as young or as healthy as I am now. It makes me realize how beautiful and important every single aspect of my life experience is. I know how depressing that sounds, but it's actually the opposite. I'm slowly dying every day, but at the same time I'm lucky enough to experience every detail of that day. For instance, my apartment... my name is on the buzzer and the keys are in my purse. Mail comes to my mailbox addressed to me. It's my piece of this universe. I'm the head of my household. Should I decide to go home and lay on my floor with Nietzsche doing nothing, I can! How is that not the greatest thing ever? I sound like a child that just realized I don't have a bed time. Dear reader, live every day with childlike wonder. It's the best. I love every square inch of this space of mine, even if I can't currently afford to do what I want with it. In due time, I will.
I finished The Enchanter by Nabokov and I'm onto Pnin.
