poor.

The internet tech just left, and I heard my e-mail alert go off. It was a statement for the service for $99. Now, the reason they came out was because there was an issue with either the connection or the equipment, which the lady on the phone yesterday assured me would not result in a charge. I'm hoping that it's credited on my bill, but I'm not too optimistic. I'm sure I'll have to argue, lose, and eat the cost. I also just realized I must've thrown away my birth control pills for next month in the move, and I'll have to buy new ones on Saturday. Couple this with the fact I found out I don't qualify for any financial aid for school, and I will have to take out loans for 100% of the cost. Sprinkle in the cavity I need filled that I've been putting off for a little while that will cost about $100 (it's very small, so I could hold off on that for now), and the early termination fee I have to cover for my dad (I accidentally renewed my brother's phone contract when I bought my new phone). Yep, I'm pretty much having a mini breakdown, and I feel a ridiculous sense of dread and depression right now. I worked very hard to budget and build up a decent amount (for me at least) of savings, and I'm chiseling away at it. It just scares me, because with my current budget, I can't contribute back to it much at all. The loans are what scare me the most, and every particle of reason in me is screaming, "don't do it, forget school!". I have to take a moment to realize that this is simply a transition into something better. Not everyone has it easy, and I've personally created a lot of the obstacles I have to face now. When they tell you getting back into school later in life is harder, it's true. I feel like I've been given an extremely good opportunity with my job and my living situation now. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I need to take advantage of this moment in time, because it'll never get any easier. So fine, whatever it costs to be back on level ground, I'll take the hit. I'm very proud of myself, especially the past few years. I handled a difficult commute, I bought a car, I built up a savings account, I officially have an "excellent" credit score, I live alone now, I'm going to school, I left my first love, and I removed my mom from my life finally. I have amazing friends, and Liz feels like a sister to me. I've gotten a lot closer to my sister when I lived at home, as well as my grandma, and I've gotten to spend more time with my dad. Credit, loans, bills, money... none of that is joy or worthy of depression. Anyhow, when I look back at this moment in time, I don't want it to be of me moping about things I can't control. I want it to be of me enjoying my new freedom, learning, spending time enjoying all the beautiful free things life has to offer (such as frolicking in a bikini on the beach), chasing unrequited love, and just being happy. On the plus side, it's been almost a month of low carb, and my skin is almost completely clear. I'm eating even better than usual too, which is always a good thing. I cooked fish and veggies for dinner, and snacked on almonds. My diet is chicken, fish, steak, nuts, seeds, fruits, veggies, peanut butter, eggs, sandwiches (lower carb bread like pumpernickel and/or rye), and wraps (usually just tomatoes and cucumbers). At least I have that going for me. Also, I ate a slice of deep dish pizza with no ill effects, so I know I could treat myself once in awhile. Well, this has been a depressing post! I just needed to vent a little, and organize my thoughts. I'm off to bed to dream about my favorite handsome man in my alternate reality where he would have any interest in me. In a close second is the fantasy of being on a beach in that pretty pink ruffled Juicy Couture bikini, eating a bowl of raw cookie dough while Morrissey sings "Last Night, Maudlin Street" to me. Gotta combine the two... okay, forget the cookie dough... using salt water spray in my hair for beach waves, wearing the pretty bikini, in bed with him while Morrissey plays in the background. Perfect! Night!