3/27/17

After work I'm going to soak in the bath with a nice glittery bath bomb, deep conditioner my hair, and watch tv with a glass of sparkling wine. I'm insanely broke right now, but it doesn't even matter. I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster and when it's good, it's really good.

1/9/17

My uncle passed away in his sleep yesterday. He was 51 and a huge influence in my life. I'm thankful that because of a few birthdays and the holidays, I got to see him a lot the past few months. How lucky am I that I get to wake up another day and enjoy the time I have here. Right before I heard the news, I was having lunch with a very old friend who helped me see something in my life with a totally new perspective. I'm glad I opened up to her, and she's reached out already more than once to let me know she's here for me. My mom is hurting really bad over this death, and I think I have to make myself vulnerable and let her back into my life right now. My year is off to a rocky start, but overall I feel very hopeful and positive.

1/5/17

Jessica. Jessica. Giiiirl, get a goddamn grip on yourself. This is not cool. This is not okay. Starting today you're going back to your own little world. I feel like hibernating for this entire month and maybe the next month, and then I'll be back on track.

Your nightclub darling.

A soft "ping" interrupts the restless dream I was about to succumb to. I see my phone at the end of my bed, a green light is blinking. A green light, far away. "Like Gatsby", I think. A symbol of hope, but ultimately, sadness. Oh, it's you. It's you. It's you!

I feel the pang. That one you get when someone says, "we need to talk". "This is all so old and cliché," I decide, as I imagine the bodies piled up in war. Those walled up in towers, burned at the stake, stoned, tortured, car accidents, murder. And who am I to suffer over you? You are not an implement of pain, except to me.

I feel the tears run down the side of my face. I think about what to say, but instead I wish you could see. Let my tears be the ink and they will write unspoken poetry as they trail down your neck.

I want to die of a broken heart, please forgive me. I want to take the path I know leads to a void where I will be left empty and alone, but all the while I travel through the velveteen darkness suffocating me... and the parties, and the shoes with the buckles that make it so I can lean into you just the right way, and the three drinks too many, and the couch with stories to tell, and the fact that I would do it over and over again just to write these poems on bar napkins for you, and I'm so tired but I am teeming with life.

7-6-16

I know very well you're bringing me down
I will follow, I will follow
For a little piece of heaven
I am ready, I am willing to drown

I've been waiting on your love
Baby, for too long now, too long now
I thought that I could change you like the others
But I don't know how, don't know how
It's gonna backfire
It's gonna backfire, baby
Gonna backfire, gonna backfire, baby
We've done it a million times before
Yes, I'm up for it a million more

6/21/16

:)

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

So I love my new officemate, however like almost everyone in my town, she's super religious. Within the first few days of meeting her, she said that every morning she wakes up to read her bible for an hour. I think I grimaced involuntarily after she said that, and had to quickly form an expression that didn't suggest I think she's batshit insane. Her desk has become polluted with creepy religious stuff, like this rolodex of bible quotes, art, and Jesus quotes written on post-its stuck all around her kleenex box. Maybe blowing your nose is a sin. If I was a total asshole, I'd hang up my own art to balance things out in there. Ying and yang, freedom of religion and all that. I'd hang some nice artwork:

So she invited me over to watch a movie ages ago, and I kept making excuses. Finally decided to get it over with, since I didn't have anything going on Friday night. We grabbed dinner and headed over to her place, and sat down at the table. There I was, a sitting duck. A fly caught in a web. The Christian pamphlet was pulled from her purse. "So, how much do you know about Christianity?" It had begun... I've never actually been in that situation before. Usually I avoid religion talks like the plague. I had to be good,and vague. I have to work with this person. We have to get along. She said she liked talking to people with opposing views, but little did she know just who she was talking to. I'm not just non-religious or agnostic. I'm severely atheist to the point that religion disgusts me. She said that occasionally her beliefs are put to the test, but the overwhelming evidence that god is real justifies everything. 

Then she asked me if I think I've ever sinned, and I had to stifle laughter. Like, hell yeah. I sin like it's an Olympic sport. Never been so damn proud of anything in my life! I deserve a medal for making it out of there without being a total sarcastic asshole. I don't even like arguing with religious people. I just want them to fear me. I want them to think I'm the embodiment of evil just wandering around. It's way more fun that way.

I followed some atheist stuff on Twitter a while ago, and people with really religious sounding usernames started following me. I was wondering if they'd start harassing me, but nothing... silence. Then I realized, maybe they wanted to see how am I, what may have went "wrong" with me. I'm just a case-study. The funniest thing is that I'm boring as hell. Not sure if they expected me to be dishing out secret cult agendas or something, but my tweets are always like, "I like eggs benedict!".
I them imagine one of them sees that, perks up, grabs a pad of paper and writes: